A View From The Pedestal
I'm working on a short story about a woman who has been married for 15 years and her husband takes her for granted. She feels she'e become invisible to him. Please tell me what you think of the introduction and chapter 1. Prologue Aria felt invisible. A phantom apparition who cleaned the house, took care of kids and brewed coffee. He just didn't see her anymore and she wanted desparetly to be see. After almost 15 yrs. of marriage the thrill was most certainly gone, or it was on a very long vacation. She wanted it back, but she didn't have a clue how to entice it. She stood over a sinkful of dirty dishes wondering how her life had come to this. Chapter 1 The ringing phone roused her out of her depressing revery. "Oh, hi Gayle, I was just standing here in my old sweats and ratty tee wondering how my life ended up in the toilet." she was holding back a torrent of tears. "You need chocolate, girlfriend. Get your mom to watch the kids, take a shower, and meet me a Abbey's Diner. And Aria, do not show up in sweats and and a tee shirt. I'll bring the tissues." "O.K. but bring a lot." As she entered the diner she and bumped into a really hot guy. "Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry." He held the door open for her, and took a seat at the counter. Gayle waved to her from their regular table. "You clean up really nice, why don't you substitute this for your sweats and tees ? "For what, to feed the cat ? To clean the toilet ? To give Tim something else not to notice ? I just feel like he doesn't see me anymore, I've become invisible. I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do anymore." She started cry, and the next thing she knew the hot guy she bumped into was offering her his hand. Before she knew what was happening she was taking it. "Hi, I'm Cameron, and for what it's worth I think you're beautiful." He handed her a napkin. If your husband can't see that then he's blind." He turned around and walked out the door. "Oh, My, God, Aria, did he just come on to you ? Let me see that napkin." Gayle took the damp napkin and read it to Aria. "Here's my number. Call me if want to talk. I really do think you're beautiful. I really just want to talk, no pressure. Promise." He signed it C and his number was at the bottom. "So , are you going to call him ?" "I don't know, what if Tim found out ? "It would serve him right, you deserve to be treated better." She tucked the napkin into a hidden pocket in her purse. "I'll think about it." "Now, where's my chocolate cake ?" Well, what do you think of chapter 1. I've started chapter 2, it's moving along at pretty good pace. Thanks for the feedback !!!

Aside from a few typos, I think it definitely has potential, hun! Any idea how long it'll be? The only big suggestion I have is to flesh out the characters a little more, especially Aria. It's kind of difficult to really sympathize with her at the outset. Maybe give a little more detail as to why she feels like she does, either with flashbacks or her simply thinking about the past. When she's washing dishes is a great time to reflect on things. Overall, it's looking good!

Thanks, I see what I can do about fleshing her out. It shouldn't be too hard, I've drawn a lot on my own life for this. Having her relate past memories is a great idea. And maybe compare and contrast what Tim was like in the beginning and how they both have changed since then. Thanks a lot for the advice, I repost when I make the revisions. I have no idea how long it will be just yet, right now I'm kinda' letting her tell the story.

You're quite welcome, hun! I can't wait to read more! Drawing on your own life definitely helps, I've found. Plus, when drawing on your own experiences, the writing tends to act as a form of therapy when needed. At least it has for me. I've always thought letting the characters write the story was the best approach for my own work, so I know exactly what you mean. Good luck! :D

It might be nice to open with an example of the husband's behaviour--something that sets her off to finally confide in her friend?

I have her engaged in a kind of inner monologue. She's comparing how things used to be with how they are now, and she's NOT happy. The rest of story seemed to make more sense once I did that. I'm also considering adding a scene where Tim says or does something stupid or thoughtless, something that triggers this inner monologue. Sometimes I'm up until midnight typing. I don't know why inspiration can't strike at 7:00pm or 8:00PM. It's always late at night when I should be sleeping. I get these ideas that I absolutely MUST write down. I guess my muse is an night owl. I'm huggin' my coffee cup the next morning, but it's well worth it.

I'm sooooo with you on the night owl muse bit, hun. LOL That's why I keep a notebook and pen beside my bed. I think the new things you've added will help tremendously! :D

My brain turns to mush after about 10 pm and if I do write after that it tends to be rubbish! But I still keep notebook and pen by the bed because I quite often wake in the night with a stunning idea, go back to sleep and forget it again by morning.... :)