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"I'm glad we decided to have lunch." Michael's voice was slightly hoarse and revealed how weary he truly was. He had, earlier in the day, professed that he would need to break our plans for an outing because he had spent way to much energy participating in the Red Sox playoff party Scott was holding at his house and he had had way too much to drink. My disappointment at this notion had been so apparent that he was immediately guilty and he reversed his decision almost right away. Our original plan had been to go to the park, sneak off somewhere isolated and enjoy each other more completely than we had the night before. Because of his late night drinking and his current physical state, we adjusted those plans to a nice leisurely lunch. "I'm glad, too.” I smiled devilishly at him as I spoke. "I would have hated to leave my underwear at home for nothing." Michael paused to be sure he had actually heard what I had said. "You're not wearing any underwear?" As he finished his sentence, the volume of his voice diminished and his pitch increased. His question, maybe it was the way in which he worded it, struck me as so child-like and the look that had come across his face reminded me of childhood wonder. We exchanged smiles as I allowed my handbag to tumble off my lap and onto the floor under the table. "Oops," I teased. "Could you get that for me?" Michael smiled at me devilishly, looking around the room as he dipped beneath the table to retrieve my lost article. I waited until I was sure he was looking and strategically traded one crossed leg for another. He lingered momentarily and the produced my purse for me as he rose to his previous seated position. I watched with wicked delight and he shifted in his seat and moved his hand across his face to settle his impulses. His response was to motion very quickly for the check. His urgency was apparently as the waitress approached and he scanned the bill for the total. "I'd like to go somewhere with you, if you don't mind?" He produced his wallet and handed the waitress his credit card. "I think you'll like it." "I'm up for almost anything," I continued to be coy, hoping somewhere meant a room upstairs or anywhere with more privacy than our current environment. We struggled for a few moments in silence while we waited for the waitress to return with the receipt, both of us eager to quench the thirst that was building inside us - neither of us connecting enough yet to verbalize those needs. When the check finally arrived, Michael stood and offered his hand to me, which I took without hesitation. "Where are we going?" I asked. I didn't really care; my mind had already turned to much more erotic destinations. He smiled. "You'll see." Again with the voice - quiet and high. He was so damn cute. We walked from the restaurant and into the mall outside. I followed him blindly, hoping he wanted, as much as I did, to find a location where we could touch each other more intimately. I looked up as we approached the Victoria's Secret storefront. I smiled as he led me beyond the threshold and towards the back of the sales floor. Michael paused to lift a sheer black nightly from the rack as we passed and then moved into the private dressing area. A young sales woman approached and asked if we had something we'd like to try. Up to this point, I had silently followed him, enticed by his willingness to take control of the situation and eager to give him full access to me and although, her question was to me but I remained silent and watched as Michael asked if he could join me as I tried the night gown on. "Of course," She responded, pausing to examine our faces. The sales girl looked barely out of high school and was dressed as members of the retail sales force typically are - more expensively and more sophisticated than a lingerie salesgirl should. I examined the youth and inexperience in her eyes and chose to smile at her as she turned to lead us to our assigned dressing room. I'm not sure if she was old enough to imagine or appreciate what his intention might be for following me into that dressing room and I lingered for a moment on how she might react if she had.

“He had, earlier in the day, professed that he would need to break our plans for an outing because he had spent way to much energy participating in the Red Sox playoff party Scott was holding at his house and he had had way too much to drink.” Some people don’t mind, but that sentence feels a bit lengthy. “My disappointment at this notion had been so apparent that he was immediately guilty and he reversed his decision almost right away.” He was immediately guilty—POV slip. “As he finished his sentence, the volume of his voice diminished and his pitch increased.” I like this. Good sentence. “His question, maybe it was the way in which he worded it, struck me as so child-like and the look that had come across his face reminded me of childhood wonder.” Good concept, but “so” is a needless word there. And child-like with childhood wonder that close together feels redundant. “His response was to motion very quickly for the check. His urgency was apparently as the waitress approached and he scanned the bill for the total.” If you re-work these sentences you can eliminated the was’s and make them stronger. Also, this is telling and not showing. Carry me through him snapping for the check and what is it about the way he scanned the bill that made his urgency apparent? “both of us eager to quench the thirst that was building inside us - neither of us connecting enough yet to verbalize those needs.” This is either a POV slip or you’re telling and not showing again. How would she know that he’s eager to quench the thirst also? Show us this. “When the check finally arrived” You mean the receipt, I think. Besides, if they’re so eager, why are they even waiting for a receipt? “We walked from the restaurant and into the mall outside.” This feels like a continuity error to me. They’re in a restaurant inside a mall, but earlier she mused about rooms upstairs. I don’t know of any malls that do that. Inns and hotels, yes, but malls? No. “Up to this point, I had silently followed him, enticed by his willingness to take control of the situation and eager to give him full access to me…” I’d suggest going back to the previous paragraph and show us some of this instead of expecting this sentence to carry the tension need it to carry. “"Of course," She responded, pausing to examine our faces.” I don’t believe this. Perhaps it’s because I once worked from a sister store to VS, but this is not allowed. I’d suggest writing them talking the sales rep into doing this or having him slip in when the sales rep’s back is turned. “The sales girl looked barely out of high school and was dressed as members of the retail sales force typically are - more expensively and more sophisticated than a lingerie salesgirl should. I examined the youth and inexperience in her eyes and chose to smile at her as she turned to lead us to our assigned dressing room. “ Two things here—why this much attention on a throw-a-way character? You can use this space to build more tension. However, if you plan on incorporating the sales rep in with the sex scene then by all means give us this information. As it is, it seems pointless. “I'm not sure if she was old enough to imagine or appreciate what his intention might be for following me into that dressing room and I lingered for a moment on how she might react if she had.” I really do not buy this. The girl works at VS and she’s out of high school. She’s probably done what the characters are about to do and if not, she knows. If this had been a Heaven and Earth store or if the sales rep had been Amish, LDS, or Mennonite, then I might accept it. As it is—a rep dressed in sophisticated expensive clothes at a lingerie store? Nope, not buying it and I want to say, “Give the early 20’s and late-teen crowd some credit here.” All in all a good story, but it needs more fleshing out.