Help - unruly sentence on the loose
I need help with the following sentence. 'At the last minute Jon was horrified to see that he stepped aside, and pulled out a chair at the very table where he himself sat.' It needs to be clear that the 'at the last minute' refers to Jon, and not the 'he' (who's the object of the sentence). But it's baffling me, because I'm too close to it. Anyone got any suggestions? PS at this stage Jon doesn't know the othe character's name.

Is it Jon or another 'he' that steps aside? Why is he horrified? 'the very table where he himself sat' vs. 'his own table'? I suggest making at least two clearer sentences and using something other than 'he' to refer to anyone else other than Jon.

It's another 'he' that steps aside, and sits down at Jon's table rather than going to an empty one. Which as Jon is running away from home and oesn't want to be noticed, horrifies him! I'll see what I can do.... ::scratches head, sucks end of pencil::

I may be having a dim moment but I can safely say I had no idea that was what you were trying to convey. I suggest starting with the main actor e.g. A tall blond man ... whatever he did; Jon was... whatever he felt?

Well, instead of saying "he" stepped aside, it might be clearer if you inserted a brief description, like "the man" or something.

maybe it would help to have the context, Tav. Could you post the whole paragraph, or a few sentences before this one?

It's quite a short paragraph so it might not help you much. LOL I usually try to avoid using things like 'the tall blond man stepped aside' but I think I may have to here. Hmm. Thanks for all the suggestions - I'll sleep on it tonight and hope something rattles loose. :)

It is annoying to describe known characters yhis way. But this is an first metting, he noticed the stranger was male, a few other things are likely to pop out. I know that until I know people names I think of them by rought short hands like 'cute guy' or 'woman with bad hair cut'

'At the last minute Jon was horrified to see that he stepped aside, and pulled out a chair at the very table where he himself sat.' How about something like: Jon watched, horrified, as a stranger stopped, pulled out a chair, and sat at his table. or John watched, horrified, when at the last minute, the stranger pulled out a chair and sat across from him at the table. You could substitute 'he' for 'the stranger' if the man isn't a complete stranger, or if he'd been following Jon and Jon knew about it. It does help though, to somehow identify a different person a little clearer. It may be quite clear in the larger context of your passage though. It's too hard to tell from one line.

The "at the last minute" part is clearly belonging to Jon because he is the subject of the sentence, however I don't see that you even need the "at the last minute" belonging to Jon anyhow. His horror arose from an action that occurred at the last minute, after all. And the comma after "aside" is a boo boo, as it makes the action of pulling the chair belong to Jon. It shouldn't have a comma if you want to continue attributing the action to the other he. Also you could avoid confusion by simplifying the end, change it from "at the very table he, himself, sat" (note the inserted commas) and make it simply "at the same table" end of sentence. Doing this, you get rid of another pronoun that could mislead readers.

John was horrified when, at the last minute, the new arrival stepped sideways and pulled out a chair from his own table.

Cool, Lamia. That's a good solution. :D