"I think het romance is trying to get away from the 'he raped me I think I'll fall in love with him' vein."
Yes, and this (sorry, Cupnjava) is the form that it often takes in yaoi - at least, in Japanese yaoi. I don't know whether the Western yaoi writers have gone beyond that and are exploring negative power dynamics in a more subtle manner. I'll defend to the death any author's right to write rape=love stories, but I hate reading them (I once unsubscribed from a fiction e-mail list for that reason), and I can see why some publishers wouldn't be keen on publishing them.
"I've seen it explained in guidelines that rape is something the villan can engage in, but not the hero."
The only problem I have with that - as an m/m author who doesn't write for genre romance markets, though I'm quite happy when genre romance readers like what I write - is that it doesn't leave room for flawed heroes. I think there ought to be literary space provided for heroes who do really hideous things and then repent. I've written (ticks off on fingers) - okay, I've run out of fingers, but the vast majority of my stories are about men who do something incredibly awful - rape or murder or emotional manipulation - and the story revolves around either their growing understanding at the horror of what they've done or their attempts in later years to find a way to bring good into the world, in order to partially make up for their sins. Those storylines are, I think, a legitimate way in which to explore the implications of abuse. What I *don't* like is a spiffy-clean world where heroes never do anything worse than leave their socks on the floor. That sort of literature leaves readers thinking that domestic abuse and other such everyday atrocities are only committed by black-hatted villains, and that good people can never fall into the mistake of doing something really, really awful. Which is So Not True.
Maybe this just isn't the sort of plotline that goes over well with romance readers, and publishers know that, so they don't solicit it. That's fine. It's the tone of righteousness that gets me in some romance presses' submission guidelines - the tone of "Only some awful, evil person would write a love story involving rape/child abuse/whatever." Meanwhile, here am I, making plans for the Italian translation of my
novella about a youth who is raped in prison, and how the man who committed the rape eventually accepts the consequences of what he did and turns himself in to the authorities, and how this repentance allows a bond of friendship to grow between the youth and the man, and I'm saying, "Um . . . sorry. I'm not going to change my mind about this being an ethical storyline, so you can drop the snide remarks, please."